Church Hurts

What are church hurts?  Church hurts refer to any type of pain (emotional, physical, or spiritual) caused by negative experiences in a religious or church setting. This can include experiences such as feeling excluded, rejected, or judged by fellow church members. It also includes experiencing abuse or mistreatment by church leaders. Do I need to be part of the church? God commands us to be part of the church for our own benefit. 23 Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, since he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us watch out for one another to provoke love and good works, 25 not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching Hebrews 23-24. Why do church hurts happen?  Doctrine disagreements, power struggles, and harsh words can cause church hurts. Physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse can also happen inside the church. What are some examples of church hurts?  Examples of church hurts can include feeling ostracized or excluded by a church community and being judged by church leaders or members. Public humiliation in church, and being misunderstood, are other examples of church hurts. How can church hurt impact a person’s spiritual life?  Church hurts can lead to feelings of disillusionment, anger, or sadness that can affect a person’s relationship with God. In worst-case scenarios, they can lead people to blame or hold a grudge against God. Some people have left their faith because the church has hurt them. How can a person heal from church hurts?  Healing from church hurts can involve seeking support from a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend. Engaging in practices such as prayer, meditation, and forgiveness can quicken the healing process. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13. Should a person confront the person or people who have hurt them? Addressing those who have hurt you can be beneficial, but only if it is done in a safe and comfortable environment. 15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector Matthew 18: 15-17. What can churches do to prevent church hurts?  Churches can prevent church hurts by fostering a culture of inclusion, acceptance, and love. Also, by implementing policies and procedures that prioritize the safety and well-being of all members.  Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins 1 Peter 4:8. Can a person still have a relationship with God after experiencing church hurts?  Yes, a person can still have a relationship with God after experiencing church hurts. Spiritual growth and healing can come through the practice of prayer and worship. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit Psalm 34 vs 18. Ultimately, having a relationship with God is a personal choice. Nothing can separate us from the love of God Romans 8 vs 31-39. Is it possible to find a church community that won’t cause church hurts?  Finding a church community that meets one’s values and provides a safe and supportive environment is possible. The only way to find the right community for you is to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. Let God show you which church community you should be part of. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left Isaiah 30:21. How can a person know if they should leave a church that has caused them church hurts?  When they feel unsafe or unwelcome in the community. If they are being mistreated or abused by church leaders or members, it might be a good time to leave. Sometimes taking a short break from church is all you need. In my case, I had to move to a different branch of the same church where I could worship God freely. John TholeJohn Thole is the voice behind Beyond Salvation, a blog that captures the highs and lows of life through faith, laughter, and honest reflection. With a passion for storytelling, technology, and spiritual growth, he creates content that resonates with seekers, believers, and anyone navigating life’s journey. Whether sharing personal insights, devotionals, or thought-provoking discussions, John aims to inspire, uplift, and spark meaningful conversations. johnthole.co.za

Building on the insights shared in our last post, where we unpacked the reasons why we get hurt by the church, today we’ll dive into the different types of church hurts and discuss ways to overcome them. From emotional and spiritual wounds to physical and financial traumas, it’s important to recognize that, while painful, these experiences don’t have to define our faith journey. Healing is possible, and you don’t have to walk this path alone. Types of Church Hurts with Examples Emotional Hurts Emotional wounds are often subtle but can have a lasting impact on a person’s mental health. For example, I shared previously about being exposed for stealing in front of the congregation. The shame and anxiety of that public exposure in a Pentecostal church, especially during prophecy time, created a lasting fear of judgment. These hurts often stem from feelings of exclusion, rejection, or betrayal within the community, leaving one feeling isolated and misunderstood. Physical Hurts Physical hurts in a church setting can range from accidents to more intense conflicts. I’ve witnessed situations where arguments in church escalated into physical altercations. Additionally, churches can sometimes unintentionally expose people to harm, as in the biblical example of Eutychus, who fell from a window and died while Paul was preaching (Acts 20:9). These incidents, while accidental, underscore the need for a safe environment and respectful interactions. Spiritual Hurts Spiritual hurts can deeply shake one’s faith. For example, people often feel exposed if their private struggles are shared publicly by church leadership. A person criticized for not praying long enough or speaking in tongues may feel unworthy, and this can create a crisis of faith. Spiritual hurt arises when religious expectations or beliefs are wielded to judge or shame, leading some to question their belonging within the community. Sexual Hurts Sexual hurt is a heartbreaking reality for some, taking forms from inappropriate comments to severe incidents like sexual abuse. Survivors often feel violated by someone they trusted and may experience lasting emotional trauma. Seeking therapy from services like BetterHelp or connecting with survivor support organizations like RAINN can provide confidential support, a safe space to share experiences, and tools for healing. Financial Hurts Financial hurts stem from perceived mismanagement or a lack of transparency. For instance, constant fundraising without clear financial accountability can lead people to feel exploited. This betrayal can shake trust, creating a sense of disillusionment with church leadership. Let’s face the truth, some pastors and leaders have and still use the money for their financial needs. This is the main reason why people do not want to give tithe and offerings in church. Steps to Overcome Church Hurts Acknowledge the Hurt “Risk is real. The Christian life is a painful life. Not joyless. But not painless either.” – John Piper The first step in overcoming church hurts is to acknowledge that they exist and that they are real. This can be difficult, especially if the hurt is subtle or hard to articulate, but it is an essential first step. Yes, you have been hurt, let that sink in and then decide the way forward – finding help and finding healing. Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Seek Support Building a support network is essential. Talking with friends, family, or a therapist can offer perspective and comfort. BetterHelp provides access to licensed Christian therapists who can guide you through processing church-related traumas. Do not suffer in silence. “Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves.” – Romans 15:1 Practice Self-Care “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” – Eckhart Tolle Self-care is critical during healing. This may involve physical activities like exercise or emotional outlets like journaling or engaging in hobbies that bring joy. Christian author Lisa TerKeurst’s book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget discusses healing strategies through a biblical perspective, helping you navigate pain and self-care. Set Boundaries Setting boundaries protects your emotional well-being. Boundaries might include stepping back from certain church activities or limiting interactions with individuals who’ve hurt you. Christian resources like Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer guidance on establishing boundaries in ways that align with biblical values. “Don’t compromise even if it hurts to be yourself.” – Toby Keith Forgiveness Forgiving does not mean forgetting but allows you to release resentment. Holding onto anger can trap you in a cycle of pain, while forgiveness opens a pathway toward peace and freedom. “But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” – Matthew 6:15 Take it to God While this is supposed to be the first step you take, sometimes it is the last thing you do, that’s why we left it for last. Turning to God through prayer can bring peace and clarity. Even when we struggle to find words, God understands our pain and invites us to bring our burdens to Him. Psalm 42:11 reminds us, “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.” Conversations with God, even in moments of weakness, can lead us toward peace and restoration. Conclusion Church hurts are undeniably painful, but they don’t have to define your faith journey. By acknowledging your experiences, seeking support, practicing self-care, and embracing forgiveness, you can move forward with renewed strength and faith. Remember, God desires healing for each of us, and no matter what you’ve endured, restoration is within reach. Healing may take time, but with support, self-care, and divine guidance, the journey forward is possible. John TholeJohn Thole is the voice behind Beyond Salvation, a blog that captures the highs and lows of life through faith, laughter, and honest reflection. With a passion for storytelling, technology, and spiritual growth, he creates content that resonates with seekers, believers, and anyone navigating life’s journey. Whether sharing personal insights, devotionals, or thought-provoking discussions, John

My first encounter with church hurts – call it a traumatic experience if you will—hit me in my teenage years. It was small stuff, like pocketing a few things here and there, and sure, I know, that’s not okay. But back then, it felt like everyone had their little ways of bending the rules. Then one Sunday at church—my mom’s church, not mine by choice—everything changed. The preacher called me out in front of the entire congregation, labeling me a thief. I didn’t even understand how deep that moment would cut. Thankfully, I’ve healed from it. But in my journey with God, I’ve seen how easily we can get hurt by the very place that’s meant to be a refuge. And sometimes, if I’m honest, I’ve probably hurt others too. Through these experiences, I’ve come to understand why church hurts happen and, more importantly, how we can find healing. 1. Unrealistic Expectations: The Pain of Idealizing the Church We often step into church expecting it to be a place of pure acceptance, a family where everyone gets along, or even a solution to our problems. But when those hopes clash with reality, disillusionment sets in. One reason for this is that our expectations are often high, sometimes unrealistically so. The truth is, churches are full of people just as flawed as the rest of the world. When we see imperfection where we expected perfection, the disappointment stings. Proverbs 13:12 says it well: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” This expectation of perfection can lead to feelings of betrayal or hurt, especially when we forget that church leaders and congregants alike are human. An article by Christianity Today highlights that while we often look to church leaders to embody Christ-like character, they, too, are imperfect and can fall short. Recognizing that everyone is on a journey and acknowledging our own imperfections helps us to have grace when reality doesn’t meet our expectations. 2. Human Imperfection: A Community of Sinners Needing Grace Another layer of church hurt comes simply from the fact that we’re all human. The church is a community of people who, despite their best intentions, carry their own struggles, wounds, and blind spots. Words slip, actions fall short, and sometimes, unintentionally, people hurt each other. This doesn’t excuse the hurt, but it does give us a wider lens to view it. The Bible reminds us in Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” This passage isn’t just a reminder of our brokenness but an invitation to recognise our need for grace. When we acknowledge this shared imperfection, it shifts our perspective from one of blaming to understanding. We can recognise that people are often doing their best, even when it doesn’t look like it from our perspective. 3. Power Struggles and Cliques: When Church Becomes Political Nothing makes a church feel less like a sanctuary than seeing it divided by power struggles. When people in church leadership vie for control or authority, it creates an undercurrent of tension. Before long, you start seeing cliques form, with some people feeling included and others, painfully excluded. This is sadly common in many church settings. A Barna Group study reveals that feelings of disconnection and cliquishness are some of the top reasons people, especially young adults, leave churches. It’s easy to feel overlooked in these moments, as if the church isn’t a safe space but a political ground. But this isn’t new—Jesus Himself encountered similar dynamics in His time. He rebuked the Pharisees for using their positions to control rather than serve the people (Matthew 23:1-12). When these struggles arise, it’s often a sign that we need to refocus on Christ’s message of humility and service. Acknowledging these issues allows us to create environments where leadership serves as a foundation of love and unity. 4. Miscommunication: Misunderstandings that Widen the Divide Sometimes, the hurt isn’t from big power struggles or unmet expectations; it’s a quiet, creeping pain from misunderstandings and miscommunications. A word is taken the wrong way, a gesture misinterpreted, or intentions assumed. These small misunderstandings can build up over time, leading to a wall of resentment and pain that separates us. Proverbs 18:2 reminds us, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” The Bible offers wisdom on this, encouraging us to seek understanding and peace in all interactions. Practicing empathy and assuming the best in others helps break down these barriers. Open communication, active listening, and a willingness to clarify misunderstandings are essential practices to foster unity. 5. Lack of Forgiveness: Breaking the Cycle of Bitterness At the heart of many church hurts is a lack of forgiveness. When we hold onto grudges or refuse to let go of pain, bitterness takes root, eating away at relationships and eroding the church’s unity. Extending grace to one another is hard, especially when the wounds are deep. But God calls us to a higher standard, one where forgiveness isn’t optional but essential. Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring the hurt but choosing not to let it control us. Holding onto bitterness often hurts us more than the person who wronged us. This internal pain can lead us further away from the peace and joy that God offers. The act of forgiving isn’t about forgetting but about freeing ourselves from the weight of resentment, opening up the possibility for healing and reconciliation. Finding Healing and Restoring Faith in the Church It’s no secret: church hurt is real, and it can run deep. But healing is possible when we confront the pain, acknowledge its source, and lean into God’s grace. One valuable resource on the topic, Focus on the Family, suggests that healing often begins when we lay down our pain before God, releasing it into His hands. Through prayer, self-reflection, and honest conversations,